Tuesday, August 24, 2010

It took me a long time not to judge myself through someone else's eyes. ~Sally Field

Last night, I spent approximately 5.5 hours helping a friend scan photos from her high school years for a reunion that is coming up this weekend. While scanning we were reminiscing about college and so I brought out my giant box of photos and came across this...my former self.

Things I can tell you about this photo:

1) It was taken my senior year of college.
2) We were doing karaoke at TGI Fridays
3) The dress was a size 6.

Things I can tell you about me while this picture was taken:

1) I had a great time that night.
2) I had a huge bruise forming on my backside because I had fallen down a flight of stairs earlier in the evening.
3) I was very self conscious of myself and though I was fat.

I wish I could go back in time and let my former self know that I wasn't fat. In fact, I was really really fit and attractive...it was of course difficult to see at the time because I was surrounded by girls that were a size 2. I was always, and am still always, comparing myself to others. I was, by default, one of the big girls in college because all the others were so tiny. Size 2 or smaller. I was surrounded by dancers that had probably zero body fat and were 6 feet tall, with legs that were 5'11". I was never the most flexible, I was never the smallest, I was never the one with "the best voice"...so I was super self conscious and always trying to get to their level.

I can remember putting myself on a diet my senior year for about two weeks. I remember sitting down in the cafe with a very tall, thin, gorgeous friend of mine who was sitting with a giant plate of french fries and when she offered me one I said, "No. I'm on a diet." The worst part was that she didn't even question me about being on a diet. She didn't say, "Why are YOU on a diet?" Her answer was, "Oh. Ok." At a size 6, 132 lbs I was fat by musical theater standards.

But, looking back...I looked GOOD! I was tiny. I look back at photos of myself in size 6 and 12 and think, "Good GOD! I was super hot!" But, always in the present, I don't see a beautiful woman in the mirror. I always see overweight, not good enough, not pretty enough.

In 2002, at a size 6, I should have been at my happiest. But, I was a wreck. Always looking at the greener grass on the other side of the fence. And now, at a size 14 (12 if I don't breathe), 180 lbs...I fear I will never get back to a size where I can feel good. Or if I DO get there, will I feel good? I didn't before...so what makes me think if I'm successful on my journey I will actually feel like I have achieved anything at all? At a size 6 I wasn't good enough for myself...so what will it take? At 30 years old, will losing 25 pounds make me feel good about myself or will I still be looking around feeling like everyone is still tinier, or more fit, or prettier?

1 comment:

  1. Man, ain't that the truth. I look at pictures from college and think, "Dammit! You were hot! Why were you so HARD on yourself??" These days, as I try to lose those 25 pounds along with you, I think we all need to remind ourselves that confidence and self-acceptance are prerequisites to being a hottie. Love the blog -- keep up the awesome work! I'm right there with you!!