Friends, I may have an emotional eating day. Or I may have a starvation day. I'm not certain.
I found out this morning that yet ANOTHER one of my friends is pregnant. This brings the total of friends of mine that have had a baby or have found out this year that they are expecting to around 12 or 13. I'm genuinely happy for every one of them. Sincerely. When I found out yesterday that Jacinda was having a girl I went through the roof and started planning for gifts. I love when my friends have babies. It extends our family. But, this my friends makes the sting of losing our baby in February that much harder as well. I keep thinking of the playmate that baby Adelaide could have had or the sibling my kids would have been welcoming this week. It hurts. I'm not going to lie. I am in a battle with these emotions at all times cause I don't want to ruin any of the experiences of any of my friends who are welcoming sweet little bundles of joy into their lives. It is truly the best thing that could ever happen to you. But, I can't help but feel like I'm being tested. It didn't work out for me this time...but really? I never know more than maybe 3 pregnant girls at one time...and I'm hit with at least a dozen on a year where I am still in mourning.
Don't get me wrong. I am grateful everyday for the two gorgeous children I have. But, I can't help but envision the world I would have had with my newest addition who would have been joining us sometime around the 24th of August. Especially since I know Meghan and Ben would have been the world's greatest big brother and sister ever.
So, I may need cupcakes. Or just a really big hug. Or more super fattening pasta from Olive Garden.
This shall pass, and I promise Miss Jacinda and Liz, you will be getting excellent baby gifts from Aunt Amy. For the rest of you that are expecting...it's the greatest thing you're ever going to experience and I am truly excited for you to experience motherhood, fatherhood, and surrogate-hood. I wish I could buy you all baskets of diapers and pacifiers, but children also cause an illness called "nomoneyinthebankitis".
If I ask how the new babies are or how you are feeling, I mean it in a very genuine way. I love your babies and your bellies and your general glow. But, for today...I am going to cry a little, if that's okay with you.
Aw sweetie, I know how hard it must be for you. Maybe when Jason gets home from work he can take the kids for a bit and you can go for a nice long walk just to clear your mind..or even just to have a good cry while your walking. I'll even support the cupcake decision, as long as it's just one! ;-) Whatever will help get you through this day. And trust and believe that no one thinks any less of you or that you are not being sincere in your excitement for them. You are allowed to have more than one emotion when it comes to anything in life. That's what makes us human. I'm sending a BIG HUG your way today. Hang in there darlin'
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