Monday, October 18, 2010

‎"Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But, if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen." -Conan O'Brien

I weighed in out of curiosity today....I'm at 172. 10 pounds down. I can't say the past few weeks I've been losing weight out of trying...I've been losing weight out of stress. Not the best diet. I realize that.

With that said, I'm going to take a day and stray from diet blogging, if you don't mind.I need to vent. Is that okay?

In the midst of my children having the stomach flu and me starting my new job, I have been doing a little soul searching. I seem to have lost my way and don't know how to get back. Just when I think things are going awesome, I get a huge set back.

You want the good news or the bad news? I will give you the good news first. I think I am being given the opportunity to perform for the theater company I have wanted to work for since I moved to Tucson. It's not quite official, but I'm finally feeling like "Yes. I do have it....and what I don't have I'm going to get to work on!" I'm really excited. Also, my son is doing really well with potty training...pretty soon I can spend diaper money on something else. Food, master classes, Christmas presents...big boy underpants.

Now the bad news.

Without going too much into detail...I have gotten caught up in a world of poor communication. People not communicating directly with each other or with me. A lot of he said she said stuff. Feelings getting involved...words getting twisted. All the while we should just be walking up to each other and saying 'This is bothering me. Let's fix it.' But, we're overhearing things and spreading the word like it's our own to spread like a really bad game of telephone.

Example (this is a dramatization):
to self: 'oh crap. I really need Joe to get me some new paper.'
outside party overhears 'oh crap. Joe got the wrong paper.'
party number 3 is told and tells party number 4, "Did you hear? Sarah said Joe is an idiot and he didn't get the right paper and needs to before the building burns down."
party number 4 goes to Joe and says, "Joe. I hear Sarah thinks you suck at your job and you're an ass."

Bile. Word vomit. The thing is...I'm not a bad person. I'm a really good person and I have really good intentions. I have a bad habit of taking things personally...especially in text form. You can't hear or see how a person is saying something and you you choose your own inflection. Things get twisted...words get taken out of context.

I don't like to be a part of it. I don't want to part of it. I am no longer going to be a part of it.

I want to take this time to apologize to anyone who has gotten caught up in this moment with me. I have always found pride in one thing about myself. I don't bullshit. If I have something to say I'm going to say it. If it's bad, I'm still going to say it. I won't sugar coat something...yes, I know it could also be a downfall...but I would rather say to your face that I didn't like something instead of having the rumor mill make it something else. I have no shame in saying something to your face. But, lately...I have gotten stuck in a bubble and feelings have been kept inside or discussed with others and that shouldn't have happened. I just want to live my life the honest way...being open and honest about things instead of bottling them up. So, I apologize if in the past few weeks we have gotten out of sync with honesty and face to face encounters.

I want the following for myself: I want to go to work, take care of my family, and do shows. I want to love my friends and I want my friends to love me. I want honesty and open dialogue. I want to cry on someone's shoulder...I want them to cry on mine. I want to know that I am loved unconditionally for me. I want to continue to work on my talents and hope that they can be showcased. I want to laugh and dance and sing. I want to be given flowers. I want a blender for Christmas. Now, I'm just being goofy.

Making a promise: I promise to always be open and honest with all of you like I always was before. I am going to be sarcastic...I always was and I always will be. With that, if my sarcasm is not okay with open and honest about it. I promise to work hard always and do the best job I can. I promise to love my family and my friends. I promise to not get caught up in the rumor mill or the communication bermuda triangle. I promise to thank you for your kindness and for reading this blog.

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