Where have I been?

It's been quite some time since I've checked in. I was supposed to lose a grand total of 25 pounds by Christmas...life really got in the way and that did not happen. However, you will be happy to know that Since the beginning of this "journey" in August I have lost 20 pounds. 24 since my 30th birthday last June.

Sure I gained a few and lost a few...most recently I lost 10 pounds. (This is according to my home scale...the one at work tells me differently, but it is lying cause my clothes are growing) I started a full time job and have been doing a show that has been demanding of my time and my body....and so in the past 2 months I have shed 10 pounds. Yay!

The challenge is this: once the show is over next weekend what happens to me? Do I go back to having my nights free and I sit and snack and get fat again? That's what I did with my time before. I ate...I get bored and eat. I get sad and eat. I get happy and eat...and drink!!! So, do I wind up gaining back my 10 pounds plus?? Gosh, I hope not. I pave a pretty good support system and a friend who is kind of gym crazy...so I hope to be lead by his example and keep up with myself.

With all of this being said...now that I am only 5 pounds away from the original goal weight....I believe I have more to lose than I thought. I am not quite happy with my body yet...I think another 15 is a safe and realistic number. Maybe by my birthday. That would put me at 147. I think that's healthy.

Gobble Gobble!

Where have I been?

To be honest. I don't really know. Not working out regularly, not counting calories, not losing weight...that's for certain. However, I haven't gained...that's a good thing. I have been juggling about 2.5 pounds...up and down and up and down. But, staying right around 172.

I don't think I held up to my end up the bargain on this blog, cause I am most certainly NOT going to get down to the 150's by Christmas.

However, there is hope. Last night we celebrated Thanksgiving, it was awesome. I ate way too much and had a blast. Next week, on actual Thanksgiving,  while everyone else is getting super stuffed...I have the pleasure of knowing I did the celebrating 1.5 weeks early and now I can focus on eating right and hopefully exercising until I start my holiday baking. I am going to give myself the goal of 5-10 more pound to lose by Christmas....sure it's not the original 25 I wanted to lose...but it will put me at 15-20 lost. Shockingly...I am now okay with the idea of 15 being the goal...25 being like fat free icing on the sugar free cake.

The weather is cooling way down, which means I can walk 3.2 miles approximately 3 times a week. Why 3.2? Why 3 times a week? My daughter has school 3 times a week...her school is .8 miles away from our apartment. Walking her to school, back home, to school, and back home again equals 3.2 And that's a good little workout. And it's super easy now that it's in the 60's outside.

Anyway, stay tuned while I try and get my buns back on track...yet again. Kisses...Happy Thanksgiving!

‎"Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But, if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen." -Conan O'Brien

I weighed in out of curiosity today....I'm at 172. 10 pounds down. I can't say the past few weeks I've been losing weight out of trying...I've been losing weight out of stress. Not the best diet. I realize that.

With that said, I'm going to take a day and stray from diet blogging, if you don't mind.I need to vent. Is that okay?

In the midst of my children having the stomach flu and me starting my new job, I have been doing a little soul searching. I seem to have lost my way and don't know how to get back. Just when I think things are going awesome, I get a huge set back.

You want the good news or the bad news? I will give you the good news first. I think I am being given the opportunity to perform for the theater company I have wanted to work for since I moved to Tucson. It's not quite official, but I'm finally feeling like "Yes. I do have it....and what I don't have I'm going to get to work on!" I'm really excited. Also, my son is doing really well with potty training...pretty soon I can spend diaper money on something else. Food, master classes, Christmas presents...big boy underpants.

Now the bad news.

Without going too much into detail...I have gotten caught up in a world of poor communication. People not communicating directly with each other or with me. A lot of he said she said stuff. Feelings getting involved...words getting twisted. All the while we should just be walking up to each other and saying 'This is bothering me. Let's fix it.' But, we're overhearing things and spreading the word like it's our own to spread like a really bad game of telephone.

Example (this is a dramatization):
to self: 'oh crap. I really need Joe to get me some new paper.'
outside party overhears 'oh crap. Joe got the wrong paper.'
party number 3 is told and tells party number 4, "Did you hear? Sarah said Joe is an idiot and he didn't get the right paper and needs to before the building burns down."
party number 4 goes to Joe and says, "Joe. I hear Sarah thinks you suck at your job and you're an ass."

Bile. Word vomit. The thing is...I'm not a bad person. I'm a really good person and I have really good intentions. I have a bad habit of taking things personally...especially in text form. You can't hear or see how a person is saying something and you you choose your own inflection. Things get twisted...words get taken out of context.

I don't like to be a part of it. I don't want to part of it. I am no longer going to be a part of it.

I want to take this time to apologize to anyone who has gotten caught up in this moment with me. I have always found pride in one thing about myself. I don't bullshit. If I have something to say I'm going to say it. If it's bad, I'm still going to say it. I won't sugar coat something...yes, I know it could also be a downfall...but I would rather say to your face that I didn't like something instead of having the rumor mill make it something else. I have no shame in saying something to your face. But, lately...I have gotten stuck in a bubble and feelings have been kept inside or discussed with others and that shouldn't have happened. I just want to live my life the honest way...being open and honest about things instead of bottling them up. So, I apologize if in the past few weeks we have gotten out of sync with honesty and face to face encounters.

I want the following for myself: I want to go to work, take care of my family, and do shows. I want to love my friends and I want my friends to love me. I want honesty and open dialogue. I want to cry on someone's shoulder...I want them to cry on mine. I want to know that I am loved unconditionally for me. I want to continue to work on my talents and hope that they can be showcased. I want to laugh and dance and sing. I want to be given flowers. I want a blender for Christmas. Now, I'm just being goofy.

Making a promise: I promise to always be open and honest with all of you like I always was before. I am going to be sarcastic...I always was and I always will be. With that, if my sarcasm is not okay with you...be open and honest about it. I promise to work hard always and do the best job I can. I promise to love my family and my friends. I promise to not get caught up in the rumor mill or the communication bermuda triangle. I promise to thank you for your kindness and for reading this blog.

No pain...no gain.

Well, it is weigh in Thursday. I didn't lose anything. But, the good news is...I didn't gain anything.

It was kind of a 'eat what you can bare to look at' kind of week. With my daughter having the five day stomach virus...I was rarely in the mood to eat. Also, I had my period battling me as well. So, what I did eat was more than likely made of chocolate.

What did I learn from this? Two things. One: If I don't eat well and follow my diet I don't lose weight. Two: If I only eat chocolate, I won't necessarily GAIN weight, but I certainly feel like a person who spent a week eating poorly.

What's my homework? Get back into exercising and eating right...starting tomorrow. It's payday...this means fresh fruit and vegetables are going to be in abundance in my fridge. I can eat the way I'd like to and perhaps lose another 4-5 pounds by Halloween.

Still down by 8.5 though. And technically down by 12.5 cause when I weighed back in June before the blog started I was 186. Down 12.5 pounds since June...8.5 since August...16.5 more to go. Oye.

Bodily Functions

You know what a great way to lose weight is? Come to my house...

My poor little girl has had a stomach ache for four days now and has had diarrhea and then yesterday...vomiting. Today she went to the doctor....stomach virus. She was given a medicine to help her nausea and to keep her from vomiting...it's not an oral medication. Oh dear...this can't be fun.

Between the poops and the pukes...and now my son has a touch of the poops...it makes my diet very easy. I simply don't feel like eating. After watching my daughter be sick for days and having to wipe my sons bum and deal with the non-oral medication...well, safe to say I don't have much of an appetite. What I do eat I look at first and say, "Will you be visiting me again later?" I don't have time to catch this illness...bring on the Germ X.

However, if I do catch it...I'll probably lose a good 4 pounds and look fantastic for my audition on Saturday...I'd rather not lose the four pounds and keep the food safely inside my body until it makes it's own natural exit.

Dinner at the old folks home

I can't believe it...I lost a half of a pound this week! I am at 173.5. I'm not disappointed. My body should be revolting this week. I started my job and worked Saturday-Wednesday 5- close. The problem with working at 5 pm is that I don't get to have a normal sit down dinner with my family. They all have to eat at 4 pm like we llive in the old folks home or I have to eat whatever I can find before I leave. It's truly been the latter. I've either eaten something like a grilled cheese before hand or I eat nothing and then come home and eat whatever is quick. Last night it was a lean pocket. It gave me heartburn.

Next week is going to possibly be even more tricky because Jason goes back to work, so I won't even have the option of eating at the hour of geriatric dining. I'll have to cook dinner and put it on the table when he is walking in and I am walking out. More cold cuts for Mommy anyone?

In any case, 173.5 is not half bad. It's a long way from where I started...it's also a long way from where I need to be....but, I'll get there. If I can find balance between my home life and my new work schedule, I can make this work!

One thing that won't change...my morning coffee. Gotta go get some morning perk. Talk to you soon.

Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth. ~Benjamin Disraeli

I owe you an apology. I haven't been ery good about blogging daily like I should be. Life has been cuckoo and I don't have much to talk about.

I haven't quite been excercising....however, with my new job I am back and forth for a few hours and I have been sweating. I have been taking on fun jobs like mopping the store with the heavy mop and bucket. It's awesome. I'm sure everyone grumbles when they have to do it, but it's a great workout. I get really into it and work my arms and my abs and I sweat like crazy.

I haven't been writing down my calories, but I have been trying to keep a tally in my head. If I fail...I will go back to counting every calorie on paper (or screen). But, I don't like to. I want to live. I want to lose weight while still having fun and being me. I'm learning that balance.

I owe you another apology. This weekend I cheated. My husband is on vacation and so for the weekend celebrated. I had a big old turkey burger yesterday which wouldn't have been so bad if I didn't pair it with onion rings. And today I had a donut. But, tomorrow is no longer the weekend and so I am back on the wagon. I promise. Scouts honor.

Even with my cheats, I still think I will have a fantastic week. I am expecting a period which is never a good sign...so I might bloat a little. But, I don't anticipate going up on the scale. I'm watching myself Monday through Friday and most weekends. (You gotta have a little fun or you'll go nuts...or I guess in this case I'LL go nuts!!)

I plan on checking in with you all this week and look for my weigh in on Thursday. I'm going to lose this weight by Christmas. On my honor.

Another pound....

I have good news! I lost another pound. It's super slow going this weight loss journey, but I am happy every time I see that number move. So, today I weighed in at 174 lbs. That's 8 pounds since I started. I'm going to call this a success!

I think I am starting to grasp the idea of what is good and bad and how many calories things have. I truly think by Christmas I can at least lose 20 of the 25 pounds I have set out to lose.

In other news, I got a part time job. Working with food. Delicious food. I don't think this will be as much of a challenge as people think. It just so happens as soon as I got hired, I went on the website and researched the nutritional information of everything. So, I pretty much know what I can and cannot have. It's going to be good.

The other good thing about me having a job is that is 10-15 hours a week where I will be busy and not sitting at home getting hungry because I can be. I am busy at home, but there are always times throughout the day where we stop and relax and then I eat. So, this is possibly going to be an aide in my weight loss. Some look at it as a challenge, but I consider it help.

One thing I'm not happy about...I had to get khaki pants for work. Why is it that I can now fit a 12 in denim, but I am still a 14 in khaki???

Stay tuned. Next week I don't intend to a big weight loss, but the following week...look out.

top 10 fitness facts

I just wanted to share an article I read this morning. 10 reasons to exercise...other than getting thin...

TOP 10 FITNESS FACTS

Enjoy!

And, of course, the funniest food of all, kumquats. ~George Carlin

What exactly is fun about fun sized candy?

Sure, it's small and cute. But, you know what happens...I can't say no to it. Losing willpower is absolutely no fun.

Seriously. I can absolutely say no to a big candy bar. Bring me a king sized Snickers bar, and unless I haven't eaten all day or I am in a well of depression, I can find a better choice. I can eat a 100 calorie bag of anything. Or I can eat fruit.

So, what is it about the fun sized candy bars? I can't say no. I stop by the candy dish, think 'it's only one little piece', and start unwrapping the Hershey goodness. Problem. I don't stop at one. I'm certain that throughout the day I eat a king sized candy bar worth of fun sized candy. And then I become 'not so fun sized Amy'.

If you want to live with the grand idea that fun sized candy has no calories...do not follow this link: FUN SIZED CALORIES

This will be my struggle all through the month of October. Especially this upcoming week for female reasons.

Now, don't get me wrong...just because I have been indulging on fun sized candy bars doesn't mean I have fallen completely off the wagon. I'm not going to town on Big Macs and french fries. I just know that this month's weight loss is going to be super iffy.

Good news: I am successfully into my size 12's. I don't have to plie any more to get into them and I can breathe normal to zip them up. So, I know if they start being snug...I've had too much fun sized chocolate to last me a lifetime. Today is football...so no working out, no dance parties...maybe some crunches at the end of the night. I like to do them after the kids go to bed so I don't have to try and crunch with a toddler and a preschooler sitting on me. Tomorrow...cardioke. Today...football and fun sized candy.

Just checking in.

Just checking in. I got on the scale this morning. It said the same thing as last week...175. I'm okay with that this week. I know I wasn't a good girl. I deserved to gain a pound. Due to my lack of eating the week before, I was a ravenous beast. I couldn't get full this week and I was a monster chocoholic. I barely worked out. But, I managed to maintain.

I am going to take it as a lesson learned. The lesson: I know how to maintain. But, I'm pretty much back on track. Drinking my water, eating right, not going completely overboard on chocolate, and exercising.

Tomorrow, I think I will cardioke again.

Sunday, I intend to drink a few beers with my football...I'd better double upon the cardioke tomorrow.

Not meant to be thin!?!??!

The other day I was talking to my grandmother, I don't exactly remember what we were talking about, but I do remember her saying to me, "I guess we just weren't meant to be thin in this family."

It made me angry and sad. It made me upset that she thinks we're all so overweight and that there is nothing we can do about it. Also, my grandmother used to be a hotty. No joke. I've seen pictures. She was thin...she was thin at 30. She was thin at 40. She's sort of heavy now...but she's also...70. Don't you dare tell her I told you that!!! In any case, perhaps she was in the same boat as me all her life...self conscious about her looks even though she was maybe only 10-20 pounds overweight at any given time. Or maybe she really thinks I'm fat.

I'm positive she's not the only person who thinks this way...that they are doomed to never be thin. I'm sure I have plenty of friends and acquaintances that think they were fated to a life of being "fat". Hey, not everyone is going to be a size 4, sure, but everyone can be healthy.

What really gets me about her comment is that I'm not even fat. Overweight, sure. I've got some junk in my trunk and bounce to my ounce and I'm working on it...but, it got me thinking..is this how people see me? Do people look at me and say, "Wow, lay off the cheeseburgers lady?"

Well, I'm not going to stand for it. I'm getting thinner everyday. On top of that, I'm getting smarter everyday. I'm learning to read labels and find things that taste good and aren't going to send me to an early grave or a scale that won't even read my weight.I'm learning that a little bit of exercise goes a long way to make my heart healthy and not just make my jeans fit better.

I'm not fated to be fat or unhealthy and I pray I never see the day where my daughter looks in the mirror and feels bad about what she sees. I'm giving her smart life choices. I'm giving my children the option of vegetables at every meal...vegetables that aren't covered in cheese whiz and butter. I'm offering fruit. My kids are allowed to have junk food...chocolate, fruit snacks, and ice cream...but, in moderation. And, yes, we do eat the occasional cheeseburger. But, I'm hoping that my children grow up with the knowledge to make the right choices and never hear the words, "I guess we just weren't meant to be thin in this family." They can be fat, thin, tall, or short...I don't really care...as long as they are healthy.

There's never been a you before, so how can someone tell you how you should be?

Well, I'm back! I'm back to counting calories and working out after a long week of being sick and couch ridden. I am having a hard time, as I expected, with my hunger control. My week of barely eating has caught up with me and now I'm an eating machine. I have gone over my calories once or twice by like 50 calories and it's eating me alive. I am pretty certain this is a mixture of my body punishing me for sick starvation week and because I am the most stressed I have ever been in my life.

But, I'm back to working out. I took Eileen's workout advice once again and tried Cardioke. It is FINALLY on OnDemand and I couldn't be happier. It is about 24 minutes of the video workout and it is awesome. It's a mixture of aerobics and karaoke. It's kind of like being at a wedding and dancing and singing along...but minus the beer and wine. It is so much fun...and if you can believe it my arms and shoulders hurt like crazy today. I really worked it. Warning: there is an original song that you cool down to that made me cry. The words hit me right in my heart. But, the rest of the workout...awesome. I want the full workout.

Hopefully the scale shows me my efforts in working out and not my weakness to hunger and stress this week. One good thing...my collarbones are getting sexier every week. I swear it. I couldn't stop staring at them today. I'm becoming a collarbone vanity freak.

Stress is an ignorant state. It believes that everything is an emergency. ~Natalie Goldberg, Wild Mind

I feel like I'm back at the beginning. I had a week of barely eating and my fear is coming true. My body is now begging for more food every time I turn around. I'm hungry all day long. All I want to do is go to the cupboard, make myself a giant platter of food, sit on the couch, eat, watch movies, and possibly cry.

Last night I even went over my calories a little bit. Not by much...but I feel like junk about it. I haven't worked out yet either. I had a bowl of Special K with skim milk. Yea, I know...WHOA SPLURGE!!!!! But, I don't eat cereal...sooo...it was a splurge for me. Also, I will not lie...I had a half of a glass of wine last night. I haven't had alcohol in probably a month. But, Jason and I felt like having a small glass of Merlot to unwind last night. All I could think was, "God, this tastes good. Crap...it has calories."

Today when Jason gets home I am going to walk over to our little gym and bust a move on the treadmill.

Also, I'm more stressed out than I have been in a very long time...and I'm pretty certain that adds to my hunger and to the number on the scale.

I hope I can get back on track...maybe a cup of coffee will help me.

We think fast food is equivalent to pornography, nutritionally speaking. ~Steve Elbert

After being sick for a week. I am starting to feel better. I keep having cough spells at night, but I feel okay. I actually have an appetite and food almost tastes like food again. So, it's time to get back on the wagon.

I did weight myself this morning, as I do every Thursday, and I lost 1.5 pounds. So, I'm at 175 pounds and that is fantastic.

I officially can fit into a Kohl's Apt 9 size 12 pant without having to suck everything in and jiggle into them. So, that is very exciting. But, I have a long way to go. 17 pounds to go to be exact. I'm down 7 and I've been doing this for 5 weeks. So, that's pretty good. I'm on my way.

I'm learning a lot about food. What to eat, what not eat, and what I am going to eat whether it's good for me or not (in moderation, of course). I now understand why Jillian Michaels gets so mad at people for their poor choices. There are so many affordable ways to eat well and not kill yourself.

I am not going to go into what prompted this, but something triggered me the other day to go back to school. I have a crazy love for theater and will never ever ever give it up. But, I now have a crazy appreciation for how the body works and so I decided to go back to get a degree in nutrition. First, I am going to get a certificate in medical assisting so I can get a good day job for when my kids go back to school. Once they are in school and we're both working I am going to slowly but surely get my second Bachelors Degree. I want to be educated enough to tell people "I know for a fact that your Ramen noodle is not just a noodle and it's going to eventually kill you". This of course...all still allowing me to sing. I can do it all. Trust me. There is no harm in being educated and reaching all your dreams.

In order to change we must be sick and tired of being sick and tired. ~Author Unknown

Day 4 of being sick. Day 4 of not following a workout or diet regimen. Though, I am pretty certain, I haven't gotten even near my calorie allotment for the past few days. I haven't been counting...but I've only had soup, juice, water, and the occasional hot chocolate (I really don't care for hot tea). As I read labels and add in my head I'm not even close to what I should be eating...but I'm not all that hungry and my throat hurts.

I'm not certain what will happen with the scale this week. Frankly, I can't do anything about it.

My inner me is going crazy. Yelling at me to get off the couch. I'm certain that when Jillian Michaels is sick she still does 2 or 3 or 25 hours at the gym.

But, not me. Not today.

I just attempted eating a piece of whole grain toast with a little peanut butter. This is a food I have enjoyed my whole life. Who doesn't love peanut butter toast...unless your horribly allergic to nuts, then not you. I took one bite and all I tasted was cardboard with something that looked like delicious creamy JIF peanut butter.  I ate it so I that I had anything in me at all...but this cold has ruined the flavor of anything.

My fear is that when I'm better and my taste buds are back to normal that I am going to be a binge-a-holic. I think I will probably want to eat an entire fun sized bag of Snickers and a plate of nachos smothered in cheese. I'm going to try to jump back on the wagon with healthy eating and exercise, but after practically starving for 3 or 4 days...I have a feeling I am going to have a horrible first day back to life. Whenever that may be.

Wish me luck.

Super Sick Sunday

The worst thing about losing weight is having a set back. This is a huge set back week. First, I was hit with a complete lack of energy from my period. And now, I have a terrible cold that is just overwhelming my whole body. I'm not even hungry...and that's not like me. So, obviously I'm not in much of a workout mood...if I'm not even that hungry, I'm certainly not feeling like working out.

I just hope the scale doesn't punish me on Thursday.

That's all I have to say for today. I'm going to sit on my couch in my Steelers jersey and watch football all day. I'm not craving hot wings and beer. I'm in the mood for soup and hot chocolate. What a meal for football Sunday.

A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the doctor's book. ~Irish Proverb

I'm not so certain today is going to be a workout day. I have to jump back on the wagon, but I'm out of the ordinary tired today.

My husband came home from his trip to Texas very very very sick and I have managed to not get sick for exactly 8 days now, since he's been home. Except, I woke up today a little clogged up and sore and I think that now that his is leaving my body is going to shut down and get sick.

The only thing keeping my from taking the bridge, other than the fact that we don't have rivers here to jump off of a bridge into...is that my nutritionist told me that's it's okay to take some time off. She said if you're body is telling you you're tired from a period or being sick to not push it too hard cause you'll overdo it and that is when injuries occur or people say "It hurt way too much I'm doing exercising again". So, I am giving myself permission to take some time off. I'm still eating well...and I will probably do some crunches and pushups tonight. But, no cardio. I just don't feel well.

I am still being taken over by crazy amounts of guilt, but I think I'm gonna sleep it off when they kids go to bed.

At least I don't weight in for another 6 days right?

Striving for excellence motivates you; striving for perfection is demoralizing. ~Harriet Braiker

This was a nice surprise this morning. On a week when I was a complete chocoholic, barely worked out, and stayed on the higher end of my calorie allotment...I actually lost a pound. That's a total of 5.5 pounds. Slow, but steady. I did watch my calories and though I came super close a few times to my max for the day, I did not go over.

I actually think I am right around what I weighed when I got married and when I found out I was pregnant with Meghan. So, it's not a terrible weight...but, it's not my goal. Below are computer images of what I look like now and me at my goal weight. I look goooooooooood.

I have 15 more weeks. So far I have lost 5.5. pounds in 4 weeks. That works out to 1.375 pounds a week. If I keep up at that pace. In 15 weeks I will lose 20.625 lbs. I only have 19.5 to go until I hit my goal...so, mathematically I can do this. I just have to make it successfully through the temptations of fun sized Halloween candy, Thanksgiving deliciousness and the whole month of December...aka Cookie Wonderland.

By the way, if you're wondering where I got computer renderings of myself...there is this awesome website called mvm.com (my virtual model). You plug in some info and you can try on clothes. It's super fun. Sorry, guys, they only have girl models.

I believe that water is the only drink for a wise man. ~Henry David Thoreau

This week is becoming a bit tricky for me. I'm certain that the scale is not going to be forgiving this week. I haven't quite been as tough on myself about exercising. I have a visitor and she makes me exhausted beyond belief.

No, it's not my mom. It's Aunt Flo.

I have heard that you can gain weight the week of your period. I don't know if there is truth to this, but they make enough products for water retention when this time of month rolls around that I believe it to not be a mythical statement.

The other night I couldn't get enough chocolate. I had three different kinds of 100 calories packs and during the day I had one of each of them.

I am proud of myself, I haven't managed to go over in calories and no matter how starving I have been this week, I haven't been doing any late night crazy eating like I normally would around this time of month.

I have been drinking my water. Just not doing as much working out.

I haven't fallen off of the wagon...I kind of imagine myself hanging onto the side with my feet dragging on the sand... like I'm in an action movie. I've got a good tight hold on the wagon though...give me another day or two and I'll be riding inside it again.

Now, off to drink more water...